Wednesday, April 4, 2012

How to be the office jerk? (Fool's Guide I)

1. Ridicule any colleague who speaks in English in an informal setting. English speaking is a disease.

2. If a guy is very passionate and enthusiastic, call him Peter. If the passionate guy volunteers for stuff, behave even nastier and run miles away. Passion is infectious you see, you shouldn’t catch it.

3. Cover your social deficiencies by quoting one of the gross jokes from a Tamil movie. And then bask in the laughter it evokes – that’s as far you go in socializing.

4. If a guy is popular with women, it is because he was over-flowing (read in Tamil). Speak cheaply about him when you’re actually desperately jealous about him. Don't ever misunderstand that women like him because he respects them and treats them with courtesy. Extra points for posting nasty stuff about him on FB - especially when he 'likes' a gal's pic or the vice versa.

5. Missed promotion? Bad hike? Cha, not your fault. Romp around claiming that the girl was promoted because the manager had a thing for her. And the other guy got a promotion coz he did *** ****ing or because of his Peter. Peter is not his boyfriend - refer point 2.

6. Notice how the girls at work do not look like Aishwarya Rai or Trisha? Wonder why Murphy always favours you - all girls but the ones at your workplace are beautiful? By the way, it doesn't matter that you are badly dressed/pot bellied/below average/ less-than-guy-next-door personality. You are doing a favour to the girls when you ridicule them for being fat or short or being well endowed/not. Better still rate/rank the girls and nick name them after a vulgar porn star. And top it by claiming ' women cannot take jokes' when she takes offense at this.

7. When a pretty gal pays you some attention finally (she probably thinks its charity), despite all your cheap antics, call her a "slut" for wanting to talk to you.

8. If a girl stands up for herself when troubled/teased/harassed at workplace (check Remember sister..), tell her 'why this kolaveri?'. Tease her for all the fuss about something 'normal'.

So what else makes a person the office jerk?

Write in ladies!

Apologies to non-Chennaites. Seems like these are unique traits of Tamil men. Hence you may not be able to comprehend some of these..